Wednesday, August 29

The Battle of the Aspies Mind

I know what I want, I know how to get it, but I can't! I can't become brave enough to ask, or I am worried that the answer will not be what I want and I can't handle the disappointment. I know how to make friends, but I don't want to initiate the conversation. I spend time wondering what people are thinking about me. Do I come on as being too overbearing or too shy? I want to know what they are really thinking. I question myself, am I being a good mother? Are there other mother's who are better? That mom over there seems to know exactly what to do why don't I?

This is the battle I face on a daily basis (among others). Wondering if I fit in or if I am good enough. If you were to talk to my husband he would tell you that I sometimes fall into a total emotional state when a question he asks makes me even think he doesn't feel as though what I am doing is right, even if that is not what he is saying at all!

One thing that was always hard as a teenager was knowing that I was different, knowing how one should act, but having no idea how to reach that place! Wondering why I was this way at all! I even found myself in a bout of both depression and anxiety at the same time! I wanted to be "normal" and was at a loss on how to be there.

I cannot say that I don't still try and figure that out at times. Just ask my husband he deals with my meltdowns when I think that something I am doing or have done is not good enough.

So that is the battle in my mind, the fear of the unknown, the fear of how others perceive me and the fear of wondering if I am good enough! I have to daily tell myself "you are doing just fine and you are a wonderful person who is the way you are because God made you that way for a purpose" I also have family and friends to thank for making me realize everything is just fine and my daughter and her wonderful kisses and "mommy I love you" to make me realize I am a wonderful mother!

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